Valentine's Wedding
by Warmill
Summary: It was suppose to be the happiest day of our lives but Faye had other plans for our wedding.


"Hey, let me tell you a story!" the man said to the bartender, on this very slow night, in this very empty bar.

"Ya wanna 'nother drink?' the bored bartender replied. The man nodded.

"So, what's yer story?" the bartender asked, as he poured the drink.

"Well, it involves a woman!" the man began.

"Don't they all?" the bartender snickered.

"Well," the man continued, "this wasn't any ordinary woman!"

"Yeah, again, ain't they all not ordinary?" the bartender replied.

"No, I mean it," the man began, "I first met her just a few weeks ago, of all places, out on the fishing wharfs by Callisto lake. I had heard the Sea Rats were biting that day, so I went out to see what I could catch. And there she was!"

"A Sea Rat?" the bartender asked.

"No," the man replied, "a woman! A most beautiful woman! Just laying back on a deck chair, sunning herself. The sunlight just glistened off her purple hair. And her body? My God, was she sexy! But I kept my cool. I walked just past her, then dropped my fishing line into the lake. And waited.

She raised her head, lifted her sunglasses, and glanced my way. Her beautiful green eyes glowed, even in the daylight!

"Excuse me?" she called out, her voice soft yet strong.

"Yes," I replied, trying to sound cool.

"You're blocking my sun!" she said.

I noticed my shadow was far away from her.

"I think you're mistaken, miss," I replied, "the sun's almost directly overhead!"

"But it won't be in a few more hours," she answered, "and by then your shadow will be blocking my tanning!"

I laughed. She laughed. I stopped my fishing. She stopped her sunning! So we talked.

She said her name was Faye Valentine. She worked as a dealer over at the casino. I said I used to go over there a lot but since the last time I went, I lost the equivalent of two weeks pay, I had decided to stop.

"Then you've should of played my table," she coyly said, "I would of brought you good luck!"

"Guess I should of," I replied.

We talked some more. I felt really comfortable with her. I don't know why. Usually, I get really tongue-tied talking to a woman as pretty as she was. But she just was different. She was a real cutie!

Anyway, we went out! Dinner. Dancing. The whole deal. Dating her was like being caught in a whirlwind! She had so much energy!

"How was she in bed?" the bartender asked.

"A gentleman doesn't answer a question like that!" I said, still in defense of my Faye's honor.

"Well," the bartender replied, "as soon as a gentleman comes in here, I'll note that! But in the mean time, how was she?"

"She was great!" I replied.

The bartender laughed, as he poured another drink.

So for the next few weeks we were, what they used to call, an "item".

"I tell you she brought out the poetry in me, so I did a little shopping at that jewelry store just out side of town and I did it!" I told the bartender.

"You did what?" the bartender replied.

"Asked her!" I said.

"Asked her what?" the bartender densely asked.

"To marry me!" I excitedly answered.

"Oh, boy!" the bartender said, rolling his eyes, "so what did she say?"

"She said yes!" I answered, the memory of her answer still fresh in my mind.

"Congratulations," the bartender cynically said.

"Thanks, uh, no, don't congratulate me!" I confusedly replied.

The bartender shrugged, "Okay, non-congratulations, then!"

So I continued my story.

I had wanted a large wedding. Honestly, I wanted to show off to all my family and friends what a beauty I had nabbed!

However, Faye wanted a small affair. Invite just a few of my friends and family. Use a justice of the peace. She said she didn't have any family and didn't want to make a big fuss. So we compromised.

We would have a small intimate wedding at a chapel. I'd invite my best friend Leo and my brother Clyde.

"That is if I can get Leo to work it into his schedule," I had told Faye.

"Is he a busy guy?" she asked.

"Yeah, he's got a couple of businesses he runs,' I answered, "but he and I have been friends since high school. He'll make time for me! And he's gonna love you!"

Faye just smiled.

"What about your brother, Clyde?" she asked.

"Oh, he'll come," I said, "he hasn't worked in years, he's got nothing else to do and if there is the possibility of some free food, he's there!"

Faye laughed.

So I contacted Leo and Clyde. After all the "how much ya payin' her" and "she must be blind" jokes, they both agreed to attend! We decided to get married in three days.

Plenty of time to make the arrangements. So we set up the wedding to be at that local chapel on the other side of town. Faye went out a bought a wedding dress that she wouldn't show me.

"Its bad luck for the future groom to see the future bride in her wedding gown," she told me, "besides, it'll give you an incentive to show up at our wedding!"

She flirtatiously smiled.

"You're the only incentive I need!" I replied.

So the next day, Leo and Clyde came by to meet Faye and take me out one last time for a bachelor party.

Faye was extra charming and both Leo and Clyde fell in love with her and approved my choice.

Leo said he couldn't believe a beauty like her would agree to marry a slob like me and Clyde teased that he was going to ask Faye to break off our engagement and marry him! I think he was serious!

Anyway, the bachelor party basically consisted of me getting drunk and throwing up at a little downtown dive. No dancing girls or prostitutes were involved. Neither me nor my brother had the money anyway and Leo was too cheap to splurge!

So the day finally arrived. I stood at the altar at the chapel. Leo was my best man. Clyde my groomsman. The minister was ready, as his wife played a recording of the wedding march.

I turned around and suddenly saw my future bride walking down the aisle. My Faye!

She wore a white lace, one piece mini-skirt, that showed off her long beautiful legs. Little petals were sprinkled in her purple hair. She held the bouquet of pink carnations I had bought her.

She looked gorgeous!

She subtly smiled at me, as she took her place up on the altar right next to me!

Then the ceremony began. I confess I was so caught up in the surreal atmosphere, I can't remember what the minister said. I just remember Leo handing me the ring and me putting it on Faye's finger.

I also remember when the minister must of asked me the question, as I felt Leo nudge me in the back, so I automatically said, "I do!"

But the rest is kind of a blur because of what happened next!

Just as the minister started to pronounce us man and wife, Faye suddenly reached for something under the hem of her skirt. At first, I thought she was reaching for her thigh band, or whatever you call it, you know when a bride tosses it into the crowd. But there was no crowd here!

Well, the next thing I know, Faye has a gun in her hand, and is pushing me out of the way and slapping some cuffs on my best man Leo!

"I'm placing you in custody under the jurisdiction of Bounty Warrant 336!" she yelled.

My brother Clyde had already, by then, dived to the floor!

I stood in shock, as she led Leo back down the aisle, holding her gun to his head the whole time! Leo appeared to be in shock, as well, as he offered no resistance.

Just before they both left the chapel, Faye turned back, smiled, and winked at me.

"Maybe another time, honey!" she sweetly called back, as she exited with Leo in tow!

That was the last I ever saw her! I checked the casino where she was supposed to have worked but they had never heard of her!

"That's quite a story!" the bartender said, "your bride was obviously a bounty hunter, but what was your friend wanted for?"

"Well, I knew he dealt a little in off track betting!' I answered.

"Guess, he bet a little too much off the track!" the bartender commented.

"I guess!" I said, "but I still love her and miss her so!"

"Yeah, I understand," the bartender began, "but you do realize, she played you like a fiddle! She somehow found out you were friends with her bounty and somehow knew you were going to be at that wharf and took you on a whirlwind romance. Even agreeing to marry you and showing up at the chapel just to get her man. Which turned out not to be you, but the guy standing next to you! So how can you still love and miss her!"

"I don't know," I replied, "I just do!"

"Well, in that case," the bartender replied, "I can only give one piece of advise that might bring her back to you!"

"Oh, and what's that?" I curiously asked.

"Go out and commit a crime!" the bartender replied, "if there's a bounty out on you, she'll show up!"


End file.
